It didn't start suddenly. It wasn't like she decided because of one specific hurt in her life. But it didn't sneak up on her either. It was an idea she conjured out of her own heart, and over time considered it more and more often. There were warning signs telling her to beware, or this is what will happen. But they only made her feel more important for choosing this path. It was all the more rebellious, which was somehow admirable to her.
And now, here she lies on the hospital bed. A mere shell of the person she was, and a shadow of the person she would have been, had she taken the other life-path. Her ribs stick out of her skin. Her hair is falling out. Her feet and hands look distortedly large. She knows she doesn't look healthy. But she also knows she's much thinner than the fat nurse who waits on her, and it makes her admire herself all the more.
And then the nurse leaves and she looks at her knees and sees a few grams of fat stored there. She can see some in the space between the bones in her wrists. She cries, then passes out.
There is one who loves her. He has admired her her entire life, though for different reasons than she admires herself. When he first realized what she was up to, he tried to help her. He saw the look in her eyes every time someone mentioned food, eating, exercise, or health. It wasn't a look of desire or despair... it was a look of vast pain..but also a scheming look. She had a plan. And it wasn't a good one. He would change the topic to see the light come back in her eyes. He knew this was a quick fix and not a good one, but he wasn't sure what else to do.
He prayed for her every night. He prayed for himself, that God would show him how to help her.
Throughout the next weeks...months...years...he tried everything he could think of. He tried to draw it out of her, but she lied. He tried to take her exercising with him, so she would feel ok about eating some food. But it only made her better at exercising. He called her beautiful all the time. He told her she was wonderful. He painted lovely pictures for her to hang up in her room and even bought her things like perfume and nailpolish so she would feel beautiful. That turned out to be a bad idea, though, because the more she thought about her looks, the deeper she descended into her obsessive resolve. So he tried to make her think of anything but herself, by bringing her to fairs and movies - anywhere there were a lot of people and a lot of noise. However, she saw people differently by then. She knew the size and shape of everyone. She was constantly judging and weighing and comparing.
It started that she wanted to be more beautiful. Then it turned into her wanting to have total self control. And it finally progessed into simply a contest. She had to be skinniest. She barely knew why anymore, what was she accomplishing? She was only trying to be the #1 anything. She needed to win, to beat. That was a good enough reason for her.
In his mind, she was already #1. Nothing she did would ever change that. She could be kinder, meaner, ruder, smarter, skinnier, fatter, better at sports, better at art... to him it was all just, "blah blah blah." He loved Abbie. She could believe with all her heart that she could change herself, but she couldn't. Can't. He couldn't see why she would even want to. But he knew she did, and so he was there. Through it all, through everything, he was always always there.
Nearer to the beginning of it all, he had said to her, "I can see you're at a crossroads." She rolled her eyes and tried to make him feel stupid, to drop it. He said, "You need to know that whatever path you choose, I'll be there. If you want to go to the depths of hell, just know I'll follow you there. If you don't want me there, don't go."
She thought of that a lot. She made herself believe that he was wrong, that what she did didn't effect anyone else's lives. But inside herself, her voice said to her, "He won't stay. He might stay with you for a few weeks. Maybe a few months. Then he'll leave. Once you've proved to him you have no beauty to be desired, to hope for, he'll leave and be glad of it. You will be all alone." And so she made her bed in hell.
Now, as she lies passed out in the hospital bed, he is riding the elevator with her favorite foods. Apples, strawberries, pineapples, chicken wings, sticky buns, shrimp, orange juice, coffee, warm cornbread and butter, a sub sandwhich, stuffing, ham - everything he could think of. It was wrapped up so nicely in paper bags and towels, and neatly arranged in baskets, just like a picnic. He came into her hospital room and set up the food on every surface he found. The smell of it all woke her. She sat up and looked around at all the food. It was so beautiful. She really wanted it. Then she looked up and saw him. She looked in his eyes and saw the deepest, most profound look of love she had ever seen. Its like he saw Abbie herself and loved her with a love that was more than love. His eyes were the most beautiful thing in the room. She looked away. He said, "Abbie, let me feed you. Let me heal you. Let me give you what you need."
She refused. Again she admired herself for having that much stamina. She hadn't eaten in 14 hours, and was proud of it. He asked again. She refused. When he asked again, she started screaming at him. She said a lot of things she would regret later. He tried to reason with her. He yelled, too. He said if she wouldn't help herself, he was going to have to, and he would. If it was the last thing he did. He was really angry. He knew Abbie. He knew her worth. He saw what she didn't, that she was something worth saving. She wouldn't let him. She needed what he had to give, but didn't want it. Then she passed out again.
He gathered up the food and threw it in the garbage.
I forgot to tell you, he is a doctor. He knows how to heal people.
He stormed over to the storage room and gathered what he needed. What she needed.
She woke up a week later to an I.V. in her arm. He was feeding her. He had been feeding her all week, without her even knowing.
Now it is years later. Abbie is healthy. She married him.
She looks back on that time with wonder. It took a while for her mind to heal, much longer than it took for her body to heal, for it was the real problem. It was the source of her pain. Her mind was sick and very sick, to the point where she had no idea what she needed or wanted. She was totally disillusioned. Who thinks they don't need food? People who aren't sane, and I'm extremely sorry to say it.
I guess I think our Christian life is a lot like this. People have no idea what we need. We strive and seek and look and try, but our efforts never amount to anything. God doesn't wait for us to ask Him to feed us. He is constantly looking out for us. When we think we've got it all straight, when we think we dont need any more food, He knows better. God doesn't wait for us to ask Him to do what's best for us. He does it anyway. He always, always keeps us fed. Then even sometimes when we turn our back on Him and reject everything He has to offer, when we close our mouth and won't let Him feed us, He puts an I.V. in our arm, so that we can heal and realize that we do need Him to feed us. Every day, we need to receive God's Word. Just like how we need to eat everyday. It might seem rude of God to force-feed us, to make us grow when we don't want to. But when we realize how ignorant we are, how sick our minds are, to the point that we dont know what we need anymore...its extremely comforting that there's Someone looking out for us, even when we aren't. Even when we don't want Him to.
